Looking back at previous events can be a mixture of emotions. It can be happy and maybe incredibly sad. I know sometimes I feel very nostalgic and look at pictures and videos of me as a toddler. Sometimes, I honestly cry. But lately I've been thinking about the later half of my life; the half that just kinda concluded recently. I'm speaking, of course, about my years in high school.
I never realized how many people I had crossed. I never realized how many 'friends' I'd made, how many guys I'd dated. I never realized how many teachers came and went, how many hair styles I had. Lol. I really did go through a lot of looks in those 4 years. There were so many eras I experienced. I had many personal triumphs and many let downs. I let myself and others down a lot, actually. I remember being the target of a lot of bullying and a lot of backlash when I'd say and do silly things. I can barely remember my thought process as a 16 year-old... though, honestly, I bet it hasn't changed much. Maybe I just don't accurately remember the frame of my mind. I remember just having come out of the closet and feeling free and having people force stuff on me. I just didn't give a fuck. I wanted to be myself finally. Being in 9th and 10th grade was my 'rebellion'. I finally found my voice (of that time) and didn't plan on shutting it up anytime soon. I said what I wanted, I did what I wanted. I remember wearing lipstick for the first time to school. So many people were so confused. Inside, I was scared, duh... but it had to be done. I was looking for attention and recognition. I wanted to be a ground-breaker of sorts. Instead, I think I just made myself look like a total weirdo. Lol. Oh my God, same with my Barbies! But you know, it honestly was a great promo for my movies. People would ask me, including teachers, why I had them. I'm like 'I'm making a movie' and then they'd search it up and they were all pleasantly surprised. They had doubted me.
In high school, that was a frequent thing. Being doubted. I was no academic. I hardly got anything higher than a C my entire high school career. I remember feeling like a loser when the big stoners were getting higher grades than me lol. But I just didn't care. That is so silly to say, I know. But getting decent grades wasn't one of my goals. I just wanted to learn about life and people. I wanted to absorb knowledge that would help me later with life. Not college, not how to find some formula for blah blah... I wanted to know what others thought and did. Looking back, I think I wanted to learn about how and why people change, and I did.
I lost many friends. As I said before, I wasn't aware how many people had come and gone until looking through pictures earlier. It's only been a few months since graduation and the whole thing seems to be behind us now. I haven't heard from much of anyone, really. It's like it wasn't about the trip to them as much as it was the destination. It wasn't the experiences getting there, it was just getting there. I know I've said others changed... and maybe, you know, maybe I changed too. No, not maybe; I did. I can vividly remember 9th grade and those first few days. Coming off the heels of 8th grade, I thought I was more of an adult than I'd care to admit. Lol. I was cocky because I'd been told I was an old soul and I was into a bunch of stuff my peers weren't. I remember being kinda snobby and casting a lot of people off lol. I think it was also my way of not getting made fun of. If I was a bitch, I'd scare people off. If I was brash and unresponsive, I wouldn't be toyed with... and it actually worked lol. But that bitchy attitude carried me through 9th grade as I got comfortable in my surroundings. I don't think my comfortable new bubble was popped until I was bullied a lot in 10th grade. 10th grade was so hard. I remember boy problems galore, the bullying was ridiculous, and I posted this picture of me and a closeted kid kissing and it pissed a lot of people off. I posted it because he used me and then left me for some girl, and as I said before, Raymond wasn't being messed with anymore. Lol. I thought people would be on my side, but they kinda were sick of my confidence and constant bitchiness. So, there was this big backlash and I lost a ton of friends and it was stupid. I was really upset at the time. I didn't feel like I had anyone on my side. Nobody wanted to speak up for me... and that hurt. I think that is one of those turning points in my life that I notice more now than I did then. I realized that the only person who will always defend me is myself. That's it. I'm the only one who has my back.
That was strengthened when friends chose boyfriends over me. Life got more and more easy to figure out. I expected my number of friends to drop like flies, and it did. Everyone was so interested in partying all through high school, especially 11th and 12th grade. That just wasn't my thing, and still isn't. I wasn't invited to parties anyway lol. I didn't feel like I fit in again. I didn't fit perfectly into some pre-molded stereotype like I had in 9th grade. I wasn't the bitchy gay kid anymore. I wasn't some pretentious snob. I grew up and realized I wasn't meant to be those things... only ignorance comes from all that. All I could offer the world was who I really am, and if they weren't okay with that, well... at least I tried.
I'm not sure where this writing is going. I probably sound ridiculously into myself and all that I've done. I just am thinking about so many things as the words are pouring out. I set out to write about how people change and I'm not sure where I am.
To sum it up, people change. Boyfriends come and go. They date and dump you and then you realize nearly two years have passed and they're engaged and have a bunch of trashy piercings. Friends often come and go, too. So many travel through your childhood only to shit on you in your teen years. It's bizarre when people you've known your entire life are gone because of some boy or they've changed. But it happens. People change and high school shows true colors. Sometimes people will do anything to fit in and 'be relevant'. But sometimes miracles happen and you can be relevant just by being who you are. People sometimes notice you when you do bizarre things like carry around forgotten 80s dolls (a la Jem) and wear bright red lipstick and tease your hair to the high heavens. Sometimes though, it doesn't work in your favor, like the time a kid makes fun of you for it, so you cuss him out in the middle of class and drop like 5 F bombs. I'm proud of myself though and that doesn't feel cocky or whatever. I'm proud that I didn't fit in during high school. I'm glad I didn't have experiences like the kids on Glee or Saved by the Bell. Things weren't always sunny and happy... in fact, things were often tough. Maybe that was my fault. I looked at a photo of me at a going away party for a foreign exchange student... I was standing kind of off to the side from everyone. I knew people there and liked them, of course... but I didn't feel like I fit in. I think I'll always feel that way. I think when you surrender to being an individual... that's what you become. An individual. It's harder to fit in and feel like you're one of the gang or something. But when you do actually find your group, or your purpose or whatever it is you're looking for, it all makes sense and things that happened seem to have a reason.
I'm not sure where that went or if it all even made sense. I'm kinda scatterbrained and am trying to tackle a lot of topics here.
All I'm really trying to say is life is hard, and high school is harder. You'll meet a lot of people in life that you think are great, and they shit on you... but when you find your real calling, you'll be like 'oh, okay... THIS is happiness'. Being yourself is incredibly important, though it can be really lonely. I dunno. I really just needed to get some feelings out tbh.
Lol, well, it was fun going down memory lane.
Hope to see you again here on Raymond Randomly Posts His Inner Thoughts on the Internet. xoxo.
Listening to: One of Us - ABBA
Watching: King of the Hill