It's been a while since I've written on here. Oopsies. I seem to be doing this, and writing my diary, a lot less than I'd like to. But I've been internalizing a lot more than normal because it's said that 'as you grow up, the thing to do is just calm down and let things happen'. Lol. Why the fuck do I listen to people who say that? It always seems they've got the most issues anyway.
So, I'm in the mood tonight to talk about love. Who do I love exactly? I'm not sure.
I think I know, though.
His name is Derek and things are incredibly complicated. Stupid new age dating with the internet and stuff. I think it's the downfall of man in the sense that we meet amazing, life changing people and we can't always seem to get to them. Anyway, I've known him a little over 5 years. We used to chat on our Windows Live accounts or whatever lolol. That was before Skype was a big deal. So, yeah. It was great. He actually bought a webcam so I could see and hear him. He's weird. Like, one minute, he's talking about how shitty society can be. He gets kinda deep, talking about religion. Once, I remember he said he sits and thinks about the meaning of life and like, he gets there and he can't get past a wall in his mind. But yeah. We'll have deep conversations and totally expose ourselves emotionally, then we're making animal noises, talking about farts, and speaking in racially insensitive accents. I love that about him. I love the fact that he cares so much for me that he is thinking more rationally than I. But I hate that he doesn't grasp what we have like I do. I've been known to date around. I'm young and everything, but I've figured out long ago that I don't enjoy the dating scene. I don't wanna go on a ton of dates with guys and have them go absolutely nowhere. You know? Who the fuck wants that?! Lol. Not this homie. So, I've got some experience. Plus, my older sisters tell me a lot. And I don't care what anyone says; you can take a lot away from movies and TV. It's entertainment, yes... but you can learn. But I've got knowledge. I know how guys are... and I know where I stand with many men. It's not an easy thing to find someone you have genuine chemistry with. I sometimes feel like I have to pull a conversation out of a guy, especially when they're all like 'Lol', 'Yea', 'Ok'... ugh. Texting is awful. But with Derek, it's like... I don't need to try. I don't have to force conversation. 'Soooo, how's the weather?' never happens with us. We talk for hours and don't even realize it's been hours. And honestly... they're some of the best hours I've had. I look forward to my dumb phone chiming 'CALL FROM DEREK SMITH'.
I know this is so angsty, but he gets me. It's like we're on the same wavelength sometimes. We've even completed thoughts and sentences for each other before. Lol. It just says a lot. Maybe that's the romantic comedy part of me speaking... the sappy, Disney Princess drenched part of my brain. But what's so wrong with believing in something? Believing in a guy and a relationship (or whatever this is)? I don't ever believe in much, not even myself at times. But when I talk to him, I feel like anything might be possible. God, I sound like the inner monologue of a Drew Barrymore or Katherine Heigl movie... but it's true. He gives me faith.
And I even like when we're about to get off the phone and he says 'I love talking with you, as always' because I know what he means. He doesn't even have to say it. I think that's what love is sometimes. You just know it when you feel it.
But I won't lie to you... I want more. And I can only be so hopeful, but I'm not sure everything with Derek will work out.
I guess that's life, though.