It's like anything and everything keeping me afloat keeps disappearing. I just feel so lost right now. I honestly don't know the direction my life is headed. I don't get the people who surround me; they seem to eager to go. They all seem to embrace these changes in a way I am not accustomed. I'm frozen in time and forced to watch every person I've ever known move forward, but really quickly. They're all succeeding and planning these futures and I'm drowning in the past because it's all I have. I don't know my future. I don't know where I'm headed, but I've got a feeling it won't be anything great.
This guy I dig talks about how I haven't peaked yet and everyone else is. That's great and it makes sense, but then I remember when I used to be on top. I was student of the month two times in one year once. Seriously, they aren't supposed to do that but I remember it happening. I was literally so smart and shit and by middle school, all that I could scrape was like a C or lower. I think I've peaked already. Where do I go from here? Who the fuck peaks in 4th grade? Me, apparently. I've lost it, and I'm not sure I'm done losing it. There's so many feelings just rushing through me and I don't know what to make of it all. One second, I'm so happy and I don't even know why and the next I'm on the verge of tears. Everytime I scroll through the damn newsfeed, I see some sad fuckers getting their diplomas. So many that probably cheated their way to the top. So many that lack any moral fiber and just are there to please mommy and daddy. So many that have no idea who they are. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know who I am. Maybe. Or maybe I've forgotten and need to learn again. Maybe I'm panicking for nothing. I'm not for certain, honestly.
I know nothing. The colors that surrounded me have turned bleak. The bright blue summer sun seems so pale. The smells are gone. It all just feels pointless and scary. The world is so uncertain whether it wants you to succeed or fail. Or maybe I'm uncertain.
I am uncertain.